why i sometime think to negative?

why?
sometimes i feel depressed
depressed on my own failure
depressed on my own weakness

why?
i often never see my own strength
never see my bright side
never see my own shining nova

why?
sometimes i hate myself
for being weak
for being childish

why?
sometimes i loathe myself
for being useless
for being incapable

even though people tell me, i'm strong and independen
why sometimes i feel i desperately need to depend on someone?
even though people tell me, i'm funny and energetic
why sometimes i feel i'm gloomy and have no desire to even move?

even though people tell me, i'm useful and capable
why sometimes i feel pathetic and can't do anything well?
am i so afraid of failures?
am i so that afraid to lose?

but i must be strong!
God knows i'm not weak, useless and incapable
at least not that what i think of
i must be more positive

if myself already think of myself as useless
how can someone else think of myself as useful?
if myself already condemn myself with failure
how can someone else think of myself as a good teacher?

even God says to me just now
human failure is normal
but you must get back to your feet
or thou shalt never bore fruits anymore

i must stand firm and strong
for my students
for my brothers and sisters
for my family
for God

if i can't stand myself
how can i see myself as worthy of her?
a woman i love more than even myself
i feel ashamed of myown stupidity

oh well,
i think i really need scold sometimes
thank God, i have a sister
who can lift my miseries without failed

i truly thank You for her presence
our meet was accidental
but i believe You wish us to meet
in that such a way

sometimes i wonder
what are Your plan?
i can't understand it at all, not even a bit
bu i believe without sway, it's a beautiful plan

P.S. Mat 21:19 Dekat jalan Ia melihat pohon ara lalu pergi ke situ, tetapi Ia tidak mendapat apa-apa pada pohon itu selain daun-daun saja. Kata-Nya kepada pohon itu: "Engkau tidak akan berbuah lagi selama-lamanya!" Dan seketika itu juga keringlah pohon ara itu.

wew, itu keras wak... Thanks, God