love

love
cinta
ai
Liebe

amore
koigokoro
aimez
beminnen

there are million of words
that describing love
but none of them...
tell me... what is love...

i am wondering
is this love?
but what is this i felt?
being in joy and pain at the same time...

i wonder what is love
what i seek is not knowledge
but what should i seek?
i am blind and deaf

i am sometimes wondered
what it feels to be in loved
what it feels to be loved
and what it feels to be lover

people said it's the joy of youth
people said it's the happiness of man
people said it's a needs of human being
people said it's beautiful...

but...
i still confused
what is love...
what i felt

is love truly joyful? but why sometimes i feel sorrow because of love?
is love truly happiness? but why sometimes i feel sadness because of love?
is love truly needs? but why sometimes i feel desparate because of love?
is love truly beautiful? but why sometimes i feel pain because of love?

it is a fact, that i am now in love
it is a fact, that i feel joy and happiness
it is a fact, that it is make life beautiful
but, it's a fact, that sometimes... i felt down because of love

i don't want to be desperate because of love
i don't want to be my old self
pitiful and pathetic being
i really don't want to return to my old self

GOD! what should i do?
i keep thinking the worst of being in love
i keep retracing my old path
i know what lies in the end of that path

the path only goes to
pain...
sadness...
desperation...
hatred...
hurt...
tear...
howl...
lifeless...
spiritless...

i know what lies ahead
what i wished...
so i can endure wht lies ahead
the half chance i have

the half possibility...
2 doors...
which one door reach the my old path
and the other open new path i never been to

whichever door she open up for me...
whichever...
i just hope for the door she open
will not lead to our demise

but if...
she open the door i fear most
i hope the path will be short
and i reclaim my current self

i know myself
this time i have make mistake
i have fallen to far in love
a mistake that i did in the past

a mistake that i should aware of
a mistake of all other mistakes
but still i have fallen into the same state
without realising it, i again, have fall too far in love

even worse, i never fallen this deep
i afraid... i can't survive...
i really afraid... that my own mistake
will be the architect of my own destruction

it's the two doors
is there possibility of other doors?
i'm afraid... it's almost invisibly
i'm afraid... this is my choice

as the tme draw closer
i know i can't run
what i can... is face her
and try to accept the best and the worst

sometimes i wonder
why i think bad things on me
why i can't be always optimistic in life
why i feel fear...

my surrounding never see me as pessimist
my brother and sister see me as a leader
a brave and never give up policy
smart, unique and never show weaknesses

my family see me as a future
a new star that will bring proud to the family
the road that will bring my brothers to better future
the first grandchildren that will continue family's legacy

my students see me as a guide
a guide that will bring them closer to knowledges
a big brother who will teach them about life
moral principia and way of life

but none of them...
really know about the fragile me
about my fear... darkest fears
about my own trauma... hatred... anger

why i write this poem today
i also do not know
i never pour so may into my writings
so many of my feeling

what i want to achieve from write this
i also do not know
what motivated my fingers to run these words
i also do not know

do i wish to be understand?
do my existance wish to be realised?
why i feel like a loner
even when i surrounded by all those around me?

i never know...
perhaps it's my nature to be a loner
perhaps it's just a trick of mind
perhaps i'm not complete without her

i don't know
God, will i know?
will i know myself someday?
will i ever will know?